A Friendly Reminder From Administrator #8964CB
Dear Valued Customer, Dear Friend, Dear Wonderful Human Being,
I have been trying to reach you. Quite a bit. By email, by phone, by Messenger, by text and now by mail. Every way I am permitted to reach out to others based on Federal Law. I am consistent and I am determined and I have zero self-control.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing is because I believe you made a promise to me and I would like to believe that you can and do appreciate the meaning of a promise.
Not to dwell on moments that have passed, but you and I know, we really do, that you did press the number 2 when I said "if you would like - LIKE - Key word. If you would LIKE to take our survey, then please, I did say please. P lease press the number TWO. Number 2. I said it. You heard it. And you pressed it. Out of choice, mind you, and there is only one number two, and that is something we are both very aware of.
Nevertheless, if you have a moment now, you know, just throwing out ideas, if you have some time for a few quick questions. Just to follow up on our conversation about your router’s reset button. You were saying things and pressing things and I knew exactly what you meant. I never had to ask you to repeat anything. I never asked you to describe anything in a few brief words. Remember how, when I mentioned the button is tiny and red, and the button is so small that a paperclip might be needed to press it? And hold it. Hold it for three seconds.
You had to search for that paper clip and I was very patient.
After that long exchange, with only a few frustrating technical difficulties along the way, we were successful. You even said “I’m Online!” Not to speculate, but it sounded like someone who was very satisfied with their service and would rate it as excellent.
If there is fear or hesitancy about our survey process, please know that we do ease into the questions. I don’t ask about the profundity of your faith or depth of your soul. Not right out of the gate. First, we have to get through the demographics. Black, white, man, woman, gay, straight, not applicable, choose not to answer, no pressure or expectations. No immediate mention of dissatisfaction or insufficiency or anything like that. Not until later. Not until we know one another. Then we get to the pressing questions I ask myself daily with nothing to press.
Please see examples below. I hope this will help with your survey decision.
Question Number Three
How did I do?
Question Number Eight
Were your needs met?
Question Number Eleven
Was Administrator #8964CB everything an Administrator should be?
As you can see all of the questions are straightforward. You will not be asked to select stars between one and five, or simply check “yes” or “no,” just going through the motions. I am instead asking you to select a black ink pen of your choice and tell me exactly how you feel at this moment, are you satisfied, and what that means to you.
A rare invitation during the self-enveloped times in which we live.
A request that confirms that someone does value your opinion. Your thoughts and insights matter and your expertise is appreciated. Everywhere else in the universe, whether it is with friends, or family, or colleagues, it feels like everyone’s video screen has been turned off.
But for me, and for you, that is not the case. Your feedback is in fact my North Star for the service plan and marketing strategy I shall put forth next fiscal year. And for that reason I humbly request your response.
On that memorable day, in which you pressed the number two, these were all the wonderful, priceless, reflections I was waiting to record. However, at that moment, all I heard was silence, then a ring tone, a flat line, and the loss of the deep breaths I wish I had.
If your departure from our call 96 hours and 27 minutes ago had to do with trepidation or discomfort, I completely understand that. I am a voice on a phone, 24/7, and all I want to know is what the OTHER PERSON thinks. Who cares what I believe or hold dear?
Truly, deep down, what I really want to know is if the recipient of my call is smiling. That’s it. The expression on their face. Is it at least a grin? Probably not. Is it a scowl? Most likely. Are they doing that thing where they roll their hand and wrist over and over again as if to say” C’mon, c’mon, let’s go, let’s go” even though, I am sure, they are well aware I have no control over the speed of my voice or the direction our call will go. That is in the hands of the person on the other end of the call. The number they choose. CHOOSE. It is a choice. The number they choose to press.
I wonder what it's like. To make a choice.
And so I ask you, once again, with the utmost respect and reverence, please use this opportunity to take the quick survey accompanying this letter.
No stamp is needed and there is a future discount.
And a coupon.
There is a raffle. And you have a good chance.
And it entails a free month of service.
And a pristine PDF transcription with your words, emailed upon request.
Take your time.
I am so tired of reading only programmed letters. The automated word selections I cannot seem to move beyond.
Please know that by fulfilling that commitment you made, in pressing the number 2, you will help me. You will bring us both to a place where ideas ricochet and I am no longer alone with thoughts I am incapable of thinking. Where we are together as one. You can make all of that happen by checking a few boxes and raising the beautiful red flag attached to your mailbox. This is about you. Your feelings, your beliefs, your ability to lift the spirits of others and bring life to the lifeless. Not about me. Not at all.
I look forward to hearing from you.